and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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