why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
