Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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