I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
