Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize