I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
3pm strippers are depressing
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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