Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize