you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
