Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
