My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
