I cannot find my penis.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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