i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
