did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
