I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
