I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
