so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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