I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just google imaged poop.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
