Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
