non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We don't watch enough power rangers
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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