Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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