I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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