Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
