your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize