I got chris browned last night
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
