bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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