so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
