I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
