four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
