I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My balls are so social today.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
