I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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