My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize