i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
