bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
