He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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