Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
