i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
