we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
