Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
