I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
