Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
