I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
