Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
