You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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