dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She bit a glass in half.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
