Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
