My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's official drugs can't kill me
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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