hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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