what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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