Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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