i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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