This girl is more easily done than said...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
