she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
