Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
