I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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