It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
