yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
