So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
