Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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